Words Laid Bare — Poetry

I titled this post "On Grief and Growing" because, as painful as my experiences have been, they did allow me to grow. The last 3 years have been pretty rough, and it all started on April 25th, 2023. In April of that same year, I got married to a man I thought would be my partner through all of this; I previously had struggled with postpartum depression after I had my beautiful daughter in March 2022, and it did cause me to behave unlike my usual self. I had depressive episodes and was living at a shelter for women and children. My foster mom, Diane, so graciously invited my daughter and I to come stay with her instead of that shelter. So I packed our bags, and within 2 weeks, we were at her home. Since my daughter's father decided to join the Marines while I was pregnant, I didn't have a partner through all of this who understood me and carried some of the responsibilities with me. So, when I needed some help, I reached out to his parents and asked if they could watch my daughter for a day or two. Later that year I met a man who I thought would be better and might love me the way I need. On April 22nd, 2023, I got married to that same man. Everything was going great, I was happy and excited for our future to start! The next day, I had asked his parents to watch over my daughter for a couple of days so I could prepare everything for us to get into a new home about an hour away. On April 25th, 2023, I went over to his parents' house to pick up my daughter, but was faced with an emergency custody order for my daughter and I. That night, I thought I'd be bringing my baby to our new happy home and life, but instead, I was forced to go back without her. As soon as I realized what we were facing, I went home and started gathering all the evidence I could into a binder, organized neatly. I was able to retain an attorney for this issue a few months later. My husband and I separated in 2024 after realizing we weren't fit for one another. I had to deal with two separate court cases for these issues and finally had one of them closed out in 2024, the ruling being dependency, rather than neglect or abuse. In 2024 I had received multiple unwanted messages from my attorney through social media, as well as, inappropriate posts suggesting his craving for sexual contact. He even tried inviting me to Atlanta for a weekend, to which I politely declined. Later that year, he had tried putting his hands on me sexually and attempted to kiss me, and touch my backside. I kept telling him no, then finally was able to free myself of his tight grip around my body and said that I was leaving. I proceeded to the front door, and as I was attempting to unlock it, he came up behind me, pressing up against me and pleading for me to kiss him just once; when I finally got the door unlocked, I ran to my car, locked the door, and drove off. In October 2024, I reported my attorney to the state bar and was able to find some relief in that. From that point on, I was representing myself and continued to until February 2026, when the judge ruled in my favor and gave me a continuance to retain the attorney I currently have. Now things are finally moving in the right direction, but it has been so hard to smile some days because my daughter's bed is still empty, unworn clothes scattered, and stuffed toys she begged me for lying in a bin in the closet. My daughter will tell me to come with her, or if she can come with me, and she's done this at so many of our supervised visits. My heart breaks every time she says it. I had a phone call with her father the other day, and one of the biggest subjects he had brought up was the financial aspect of things. He told me that my continuing to pursue the custody case was pointless and that it was a losing battle for me. He also stated that he might rejoin the Marines and stay in Japan for another 7 years, and boasted about how they would be compensating him to stay in. I asked him if he was thinking about how our daughter would feel continuing with an absentee father, but he responded that he would be getting a large sum of money for doing this. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How could anyone choose finances over their children? That is unspeakable. I couldn't fathom a world in which I would ever do that. My response to his ridiculous speech is that I don't care about the money, my daughter comes first, money comes and goes, but there is only one of my daughter, and I will never stop fighting, even if it leads to me having pennies in my pockets. He laughed a little bit, too. I truly was in awe of his unthinkable behavior. This just solidifies even more why I will keep up this fight until she's back in my arms, right where she's supposed to be

The way I see it, there are fragments, little pieces of me scattered Some of them around my childhood home Some of them on that street, my schools live on Elementary, middle, and high school... all on the same road There are pieces that were taken without consent in the musty bedroom of Halloween night More across the home I shared with my ex-husband Those carpets are stained from the abuse and stolen pieces of me Torn through mercilously Until I collected the necessary strength to report and run from him All of these pieces... fragments of me, lain across different "homes" and cities There were times I deeply questioned who I'd become Then the moments that felt warm, like the sun My favorite place, the fourth road At the end of that road, the most beautiful view It's my place, the peace I come back to Over the last two years, I've been rebuilding Not recovering those pieces Recollecting those old fragments of me is pointless They no longer would fit me, incompatible with who I now see In an old poem from my book, I mentioned my reflection negatively Like it was too hard to see, what I never could be Now though, my reflection looks back at me Proud of me, for letting go I let that idea of me, pass me so quickly Cause who I now see... Isn't fragmented... like I used to be Still, I am healing Trying to learn me Sometimes I can see, I'm still trying to hold onto that old version of me Like it's hanging from a string, over a cliff Into the abyss I need to breathe, it's tattooed on me I finally can see, I no longer am identified by those old fragments of me I am learning to love me for me I hope they all will see, this grown-up version of me That they can throw away their old thoughts towards me And see that all I really want, is to be seen the way my reflection stares back at me That they also will love me for me, not trying to change but help grow this new version of me

I walk along this path It's beautiful Like the earth is moving beneath my feet And I'm still, frozen in time No sound Just little bees flying around me Butterflies circling Everything is perfect Then I snap back to reality... I hear cars pass by The noise settling into my body Overstimulating every part of me This path was supposed to be my peace, and for a moment it was I dissociated, created an alternate reality This road though, it led me nowhere My scars are still there They linger Until I notice they're there They paved it beautifully though The chaos muffled, but the moment was so minute It came so quick, then left me there So I'll let myself be a part of it Let my mind be cluttered Filled with despair Slowly riding down the road to nowhere... I let myself get lost there today I had to It was the only source of peace, before I had you there I wish I could forget the route It's stuck to me Like the map was carved into me I seem to always find myself running back there That path, that road... I let my words lay bare there I took a breath after, removed that false imagery it left there I am trying to find a better place To rest Breathing in that crisp, cold air Attempting not to find myself On the Road to Nowhere Even though I know, a part of me has been left there Resides there On the Road to Nowhere

Mania, what does it mean? Right now, its definition terrifies me Apparently, its always been right by me I kept searching... Researching... until my fingers were left bleeding All that typing and writing Who the hell are you? Have you really always lived inside me? I still can't believe it I know, it doesn't define me... But all this time and wasted energy While you stared right at me What the hell does it mean? I'm actually starting to see Slowly, its hidden figures, are being revealed to me You learned how to speak Wow, you really do know me You hung out with me As I spent all my money As I laid naked with all those bodies You even stood by me When the shame and regret met me You terrify me... How could you do this with me But stay silent, not even a peep So, mania, what do you mean? Who the hell are you, to me? You've always held control over me Now that I know your identity I won't let you continue representing me Letting others believe that you are me Slowly, throughout my life You laid yourself openly to everyone But me Why? Do you enjoy tormenting me? Are you happy? Mania, I'm begging you Please leave me Or live with me, peacefully Work with me Let them all see, the beauty that grew roots Inside you and me One day, I hope... You'll learn to love me for me

Nerves, they're all throughout your body They allow you to feel everything Why is it we say the same thing when we are feeling the same word emotionally? I had this feeling earlier today Instead of allowing it to stay, I still did the thing I knew was causing it I didn't allow it's remains Turns out, that was a great way to push through the rest of this tumultuous day I kept overthinking every letter, of every word I'd say The cold chills spread I won't let this feeling prevent my growth, I pray These weary, endless days feel so heavy lately Since I found out the reality, of what's been rummaging around my thoughtscape I heard the news, then it passed thirty days For some reason, that's when my nerves got triggered My mind started to flicker Flashbacks of all those days I carried on though, kept trying to convince myself "You're okay" It was thirty days... Then it started to settle in my brain They're just chemicals Why am I so afraid? We're identical, but it ruined my name Rebuilding what it broke, when they should have listened They never heard a thing I'd say Always painted me like I was crazy Now that I'm labeled, will I finally be okay? Or will they just brand me with a new name? Bipolar... is that what you'd say? Is that my new name? Crazy, no that's too easy to say Now I know though, it wasn't me, at the end of the day Manic, I went outside of myself Became someone else They just thought, "no, she's okay!" Never asking me the questions necessary, to save the day I went to therapy Poured my heart onto the page Honesty only hurt me So I ran away Until today... I now understand why I am this way It's overwhelming remembering all the times I committed what should have been a crime I cannot say that I'm comfortable now Knowing this destroys certain parts of my brain The endless thoughts, memories of those days They ricochet I promise this time, I won't run away I'll put in the work, until I'm okay Until that day, I'll breathe and think of the ways That might help me feel less alone, along the way

I have so many dreams Things that wander my mind An unforseen world Waiting for me I have too many lists and journals Everything I need to get done before the end of the week These places I dream to see, the ones waiting for me I won't get the chance to forsee How can I when I have list's one, two, and three Filled with numbers and figures Then leave me with nothing Go figure I can imagine sitting on that beach Or under the tree staring at an incredible scene But those numbers need to disappear I don't have the luxury of doing as I please I have to eat, sleep, work and breathe All of these things are weighing on me The prices on everything goes up My bank account depleting The hourly wage corrupting everything We all make a scene When we can't get a full tank of gas Or even fill up a coffee cup Those are luxuries we don't get to see The world is consumed by money and material things When will they understand That isn't everything You can't take your billion dollars when you reach the gate After taking that last breath It isn't okay Their views destroy the beauty in the little things Those are the best Moments where I can step outside and lose every thought The sun burning the chaos berating my mind I think its time That I get off this roller coaster of heinous crimes When we are all just trying to survive Some even begging for just a dime The distance growing further and further between me and my dreams I'm ready for it For the world to stop The clock will just hit pause Allowing me to indulge in those distant dreams The ones that I know would give me peace Feeling the poetry Reading into every little beautiful thing

There isn't much to say My mind is a prism, I can't seem to escape Heaviness weighing on my psyche What is happening to me? I feel scattered Knocked down Battered I let the anxiety course through me Crippling me I jump from one place to the next Not a single one to carry the label "home" That's supposed to feel warm Inviting Happy Trying not to lose touch of all these surroundings Scattered My mind is on a platter Beaten down Shattered Those fragments of me I wrote about recently They hurt me The noise surrounding me Sirens and alarms They're unsettling Again, the anxiety ripples through me There isn't much to say though Just these physical feelings and anxiety They reduce my abilities To function normally Feel things non-robotically I know who I am Unlike the old me She was really hurting Dying internally I love the new me I just want to keep growing Yet, the consumption of all these things It's crippling I keep bouncing Instability Losing that linear thinking Am I manic right now? Or just slowly unraveling Losing touch of myself What is happening? Still, there isn't much to say It's not like you were even listening Slowly I'm sinking No thoughts though Just simply, unraveling Into something unlike me One week, then two weeks Maybe even three or four Filled with this type of feeling Then I wake up Resuming my sane thinking Finally breathing Yet, regretting every damn thing I think I am manic Who cares though You're not even listening...

Flying free It gets away from me Time Losing touch of everything around me So I break free, run Going towards the sun Seven hundred miles down the road To where? I don't know I feel it pulsing through me Impulsivity Thought if maybe I got far enough Away from the sources of it all Then I'd feel relief Time It gets away from me Times like this My mind is chaotic Unable to peel back those thick layers of me Free That's who I wish to be You and me Can we run? Closer to the sun I crave the relief Your arms around me Safety The way you embody me Time and impulsivity Hand in hand They're playing me This time, I appreciate what they've done Led me to you No better view Love That definition is you I say all these words Do all these crazy things The places they tend to lead me Aren't always pretty It's okay though Seven hundred miles It all led me to the most amazing view You Will you really stick with me Be each others glue Wow, time... Doesn't it seem to get away from you All these things we are meant to do But that list, it sure has grew You though, make it easier to digest It's okay though This time i'll be flying free Impulsivity You and Me The best place I ever could be

Can you hear me? Were you even listening Was I just talking into nothing While you sat there Completely unaware You stare at a blank space A canvas in need of some paint White walls No journey at all We're not the same I've been through it all Can you hear me now? Where is your mind disappearing to? I wish I was like you Able to peacefully stare at the nothingness No thoughts Just air I cannot I continue to do it Unless I really drift into the night Peaceful sleep My eyes not wide No need to cry Or rely on another to hear a word So much simpler Hello, can you hear me? No, just your heavy breathing Is your mind traveling back to those weary times In through your nose, out through your mouth I think i'll start leaving You're incapable of leading Unheard words It feels like bleeding Like you cut straight through me Quite misleading This is normalizing in our society No, I won't let it be a future I'm leading You Yes, you right there Can you hear me? Or am I still speaking Into nothing

You + Me Such a beautiful thing We met and immediately you got me Hand in hand You show me what love is supposed to be All these years My many pillow soaked tears People took a hold of me Used me I believed it too Every story You think I would learn A lot quicker before it burned I started to see that I need to trust that little voice inside me So I do Then I found you Immediately we stuck to each other like glue You + Me The definition of something so amazing I am slowly learning more and more about you I see that there's only more to love You + Me How can it be After all these years Thinking I wouldn't find someone who understood me Loved me for me Never hurt me Not a single finger laid on me Opression? What does that even mean Relying and trusting the only thing I knew to Me But you You aren't any of these terrible things The opposite in fact You see me Hear me Understand me Love me As I do for you We really are something Made for the other Such a beauty You + Me Oh how I hope you stick to all these things Every syllable in the things you tell me Stick around Hold me through all the ugly I hope this isn't just another visit Someone walking in Taking a piece of me Leaving me more and more empty I hope this is it That we can grow old together See all the light, even when it's dark as night You embody everything I thought would never reach me I believe that you were made for me And me for you You + Me Such a beautiful thing I hope to hold onto Through all the chaos, everything I am excited to see the future we make The love we share Making silly mistakes Laughing That you will be the one to show my daughter What it really means to be a family That blood isn't the center of all things Family That's what I envision For You + Me

Moments away, they say Just hold on I have walked through so many parts of life Lost, yet so aware All these memories are made by little moments Experiences that took tolls on me I write about all these things The days that were forced on me When I felt alone Afraid That maybe one day, suffocating will come to an end Moments away, yes I am From the day that sheds light on me I kept going Unaware of my surroundings Trying to collect these memories Figuring out all these confusing sides of me Who are you? I'll ask me No reply One, two, three... Moments away from the very thing that might save me Oh, the anxiety I kept thinking it would be a thing that saves me, maybe another person who understands It was never any of these things At the end, it was always on me To find the pieces that make me, me Falling I keep on and on Just watching My mind go on and on Pieces, fragments, minute memories Moments away from that day, I can see clearly Away That's what I long For my heartache to go on Not ache Who am I now? I think I know I found her She's beautiful Like a song with a flow that seems so mystical I finally am seeing what they meant When they said I was moments away One, two, three... Four, five, six... Seconds, minutes, hours, days Years away It took me a while until I could say I love who I am today I now see that I am worth something That I deserve to be happy Even when I'm afraid I don't have to feel so trapped Like I am misunderstood Though it may be true for others I finally can say I understand what makes me who I am today Hold on tight We are in for a damn good ride One, two, three... Moments, no seconds away From freedom's name to slip off my tongue No longer do I have to wait Seconds away, I say I understand why I finally feel free Like I am one with the sky Like a beautiful bird that expands its wings Chirps, no screams into the sun Free That is me My words laid bare I am finally okay I am aware This woman I have become, she's no longer scared Of growth I happily will spread my wings Let go of the negativity Know that I am here for me That is enough I finally am able to say it now too To others that doubt themselves Their self worth too Just hold on, I promise You are only moments away From that day The one that met me too Open its arms safety You have it too I promise you One day, you too will get to say "You are moments away, don't give up! Just stay..."

The moon It always shows up It may not be someone, but its presence is consistently there That should feel comforting to me in some way, right? Still I lie awake at night Memories waving at me Trying to get my attention The room is lit and colored like a candle Memories They try so hard to grab me The moon knows my secrets Unlike the people I try so hard to speak to Secrets, memories, transcripts, and footnotes The moon carries everything Unlike you The one who knew about the patterns that disrupt me Mentally You used it Screwed it Until you got the design finished You thought it was good for me That it was somehow healing for me to know that I am yours My mentality It takes on a beating The beat thump, thump, thumps I start to give in After years of torment This is what I knew to do So I did Fast forward just a bit Still a room, candle lit Writing the thoughts and insecurities Making its way in and out of me Different journals fill the container on the top shelf Colored differently for the phases of my life I felt all too brutally Still, it is only the moon It knows my secrets and insecurities too Fast forward again To now I was able to get out Escaped the hell that almost took me out I have my own little things now My patterns, my routines My little things that help me be me I smile, grateful for each day Yet, still I felt that only the moon knows my secrets That I wasn't with any physical body I'm starting to understand it now That I have to unfilter my thoughts and words To attract the right birds So I do Now I am incapable of hiding like I used to I found out that always was what I needed to do So I can find you Now, though the moon knows about my secrets So do you Feeling less alone as I go through this journey You are catching me, loving me for me How can it be? You throw me off too Trying to learn new things That the love I always wanted is here I just never experienced it It is so revealing, breathtaking How you love me Even at a distance You show up for me So now, when I am away trying to recuperate I feel supported and loved Like this time, I actually can do it So many things have changed for over the years to allow this present tense I finally love the right way I understand how beautiful it is I live unfiltered You and the moon Both know all my secrets How I tick This healing journey is incredible I finally feel ready for it

In another space My mind has traveled states I'm trying to hear the words you're saying My heart, just racing Feeling like a screw is loose Like parts of me aren't as they should be I try to concentrate, to stop and hear what you have to say Then I hear it The tapping of their feet Crinking of the bag while they eat Lock into these outside things I'm sorry I didn't hear what you just said My ears taken by all these outside things I feel it, I'm slipping Just stay, you tell me It'll help you feel okay But it's the opposite today Stop... listen... focus! Did you even hear what I said? Overstimulating I hear my heart race My hands shaking Feeling the jitters in my legs I don't get it I came for a reason But the reasons slip away When I hear it Tap... tap... tapping Hands moving quickly That infuriating sound Crinkling And as you say your little speech, you do your own things Speaking passionately So you use gestures with hands To imitate the sound of hearts racing Pound... pound... pound You hit your chest so violently To help us understand To help me hear my own thumping and pounding going on inside me But I'm already aware I already locked into the sounds My internal screams Muffled by closed lips So you can't hear me Tap... tap... tapping Thump... thump... thumping Pound... pound... pounding I hear it, I feel it Every day, I experience it I try to open my mouth To say what's going on inside me But there's a heaviness on my chest My throat closing Feeling heavy Breathe... just breathe I know you can do it I tell me You've got it It's tattooed on the hand you use dominantly Don't give in You've got it Thump... thump... thumping Inside me, an amazing feeling Reminding me You're alive

I feel like sometimes I hold secrets or things too closely Because I'm afraid of how they might label me Some labels help but so many times, they've drowned me I want to feel safe enough to say absolutely anything Without improper labeling to define me Yes, I am hurting inside I want to scream and cry I'm not crazy, just begging to be heard and seen I know my worth, that I deserve to be happy I love being alive and understanding what life is I also just have this other part of me that's always hurting She's always tucked back so neatly Why can't I go beyond the set boundaries of how they define "stabililty" Without being seen as crazy or unstable The things I have going on inside me, are eating away at me right now Yes, I'm imperfect Do you hear me? But I also am made beautifully By God, my mother and father I promise, I'm not crazy Just craving a consistent source of stability To not lose touch of myself so often It can get so frustrating Yes, right now my mind is traveling I need it to be still, connected with reality Not lost in this dark fog Or trapped underneath a heavy weight That terrible feeling of choking The words, their syllables That sound to come out and say them It gets trapped Stuck in and twisted around my vocal chords Before my mouth even opens Or my tongue lifts Internally, I'm screaming Won't someone just let me in? Without judgement Not even a flicker in their expression Not even a different pattern in their wrinkles that fill the bags underneath their eyes I can see it, even when they think I'm not looking Your eyes, they speak Aother hidden language Insulting me I won't give in Won't let those bad thoughts in It's crytic, their language The one leaving their lips to the others Doctors, psychiatrists, helpful little leaders They tell each other their plans The ones crafted for each one Manufactured by the same breaths and voices Laid out specifically for each woman and man I'm here to get the help I need For the things that are weighing on me mentally The mental battles that pop in from time to time Attempting to control me Here's what I want to know, What are the set limitations The things you'd use to consider me unwell enough to be put in an environment more suffocating That place is destabilizing It numbs me Then reshapes me Putting intrusive thoughts into me from the reactions to the pills they popped into me I refuse it That headspace and mentality scares me So answer me, please What am I not allowed to say? I just want you to hear me Then actually help me Reshape my mentality in ways that really are good for me